PICU and the 10th Floor

Staying at the Children's Hospital has been like entering another world. Instead of "Where is the best restaurant in town?" , it's "The hot showers are on the 5th floor". When someone asked our PICU nurse if she was busy, she nonchalantly replied, "I'm holding an arterial line here. I'll be out in a minute." When we didn't have a scrunchy or rubber band to pull back Brenna's hair before surgery, the nurse efficiently snipped the ends off of two blue gloves and handed me the rubber band ends to do her hair. The messy pigtails we put in stayed in for two days and the nurses would ooh and aah over her hair and tell her how cute she was.

I always thought that if my child was very sick, I would be calm and collected. Instead, when I saw her lying in PICU with her face gray and trying to cry and unable to, I felt like I might throw up and pass out. I couldn't even hold her hand for more than 5 minutes. I had to ask Greg and my sister to take turns holding her hand for me. I wasn't the mom I thought I was and that was ok.

I didn't care if my hair was brushed or makeup was on. I really didn't care that I hadn't brushed my teeth in 24 hours or that I had slept in my clothes. I didn't care if the trash company got paid by the end of the month with online bill pay or if I spilled antibacterial hand foam on the floor. I didn't care if I cried in front of strangers in the lobby on my cell phone or if my conversation annoyed them. There was something bigger going on.

The sound of crying babies isn't annoying here. Hearing a child get sassy with their mom is the welcome sound of someone finally getting better. The crunching sound of Brenna with her ice chips is music to my ears.

The drains and lines aren't scarey anymore; what's scarier is the fear that the IV in her foot will give out.

I woke up with the knot in my stomach this morning, took a long look at her and immediately relaxed. We weren't in PICU anymore. She was on the 10th floor. She was comfortable, her cheeks were pink again and the surgery was over. It's going to get better.