Yesterday was a nail biter. Yesterday was being surrounded by fantastically competent people, who were asking me to do what they had been doing. It was the tension of having Tamra from PT watch me move Brenna from bed, knowing I needed to figure out how to do this solo by the end of the week. Greg's work has been fantastically supportive, but he can't stay home forever. At some point the big girl undies need to go on and mama has to step out in faith.
Today I got Brenna out of bed on my own, after she rested from walking around the house. Late morning found me helping her shuffle to the bathroom and setting her down on the toilet correctly, without any dire consequences.
Today brings the sense that I am really not going to cause her harm unintentionally, cause paralysis or permanent deformity by my lack of know-how. She isn't going to topple from the chair, though she might try to get up without me.
I'm discovering that it's okay to lay her in her bed for 10 minutes (with the side rail up!!!) and put the laundry away. It's okay not to read to her, talk to her, cue up Mr. Bean every second of the day. She needs a few quiet moments to collect her thoughts and deal with being a 12 year old girl stuck at home with Mom for 24-7 for at least 6 weeks. Talk about the challenge-- it isn't going to be her autism or spinal fusion, but having my constant presence. In so many ways, she is a very normal, active 12 year old whose mother drives her crazy.
There is confidence within me that was not there yesterday. In fact, I have enough of it, I could probably wear mascara for the day and keep it on. But who cares about that? That is so two weeks ago.....
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